Sometimes when you’re having a crap day, all it takes is a little office-appointed Pandora Radio to tip the balance into full-fledged rage-mania. This sequence of events just occurred in real life:
– “Marry Me” by Train In which the 73 year old adolescent man in pleather pants stalks a woman in a coffee shop. The lead singer of this band is someone I feel morally obligated to report to the police.
– “You had a bad Day” – “…you sing a sad song just to turn it around!” Dear singer of this song who I don’t care enough about to look up, you’ve never had an emotion. No matter how many journals you buy while other people are watching, you can’t fool humans, android. Get off my planet.
– “Faithfully” by Journey The sensation of suffocating slowly in an orthodontist’s office circa 1989.
– “Take it on the Run” by REO Speedwagon – “Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who…” Like a thick blanket of congealed day old flavored coffee washing over you and everything you own. You’ll never live another day not smelling the sick sweet stench of rotten french vanilla.
-“Big Yellow Taxi” – As sung by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton. I thought this was a toilet paper commercial for the first 2 minutes. Also, no one on this track understands the irony of singing “they paved paradise and put up a parking lot” after destroying the original version of this song and creating this mall -food disaster? No? Doesn’t register? Great.
…and it goes on as I type. Daughtry, anyone?
Please send help. If I never see any of you again, I’ve loved you all.